What The Hell Is A Muggle?
by thechaosdiva
Summary: Percy settles down for some light reading and gets more than he bargained for...


Disclaimer: I own only my conversation. Anything else is up for grabs.  
  
  
  
The large battered chair sat in the corner of the Gryffindor common room. It was old and worn, and nobody liked to sit there due to a nasty broken spring that threatened to pop out from the cushion any time now. However, being a Weasley, Percy was used to such things, and found the chair oddly comfortable. He wasn't sure what had prompted him to visit his brothers and sister this weekend, but he vowed to never do it again.  
  
"Honestly," he muttered, sitting down cautiously in the worn chair, "I come all this way, possibly damaging my chances for a promotion, just to visit and all I get is a 'hi Percy, we're off to do exciting things without you!' Well, I simply won't stand for it. As soon as they get back from their escapades, I shall certainly have to give them a talking to."  
  
He picked up the thick book he had checked out at the library, feeling the worn leather in his hands. It was perfect for a bit of light reading, he thought. Opening the book he found something quite different. As opposed to "The History of The Ministry: Volume 1" he found a page with neat scrawl on it. Sighing, he pushed his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose. Perhaps he'd read it anyways. After all, what else was he to do?  
  
He began to read the neatly printed lettering.  
  
"Dear valued reader, I know that you expected to read about the History of the Ministry, but let's be honest. If you honestly wanted to read that, you're a dreadful bore and perhaps this will lighten your spirits.  
  
I am a witch from far in the future, and I have many Muggle acquaintances. One of these being my dear friend, Janus Thinker. He's quite a nice fellow, just a bit slow. So I decided to have some fun with him. Don't worry, I used a memory charm at the end of the conversation. He still believes we discussed kumquats for an hour!"  
  
Percy's eyes darted nervously around the room. He knew it was absent, but he still felt uneasy. Was this sort of thing allowed on school grounds? Could he get in trouble for this? It would blemish his otherwise perfect record! Of course, he wasn't a student anymore. And he did need his spirits lifted. Chewing on his bottom lip, Percy flipped the page and began to read.  
  
  
  
  
PrincessRuby2001: shouldn't you be working on your   
paper?:o  
Janus Thinker: Yep, should.  
PrincessRuby2001: tsk, tsk, tsk  
Janus Thinker: Indeed.  
PrincessRuby2001: i can't believe you're waiting until   
now or even later to begin writing  
Janus Thinker: Me, neither. I must be hallucinating. I bet   
it's done already!  
PrincessRuby2001: hmmph  
Janus Thinker: hmmph indeed.  
PrincessRuby2001: you really should write it  
PrincessRuby2001: what's the topic?  
Janus Thinker: Five one-page analyses of articles on   
Chechnya.  
PrincessRuby2001: ?  
Janus Thinker: ?  
PrincessRuby2001: what's Chechnya?  
Janus Thinker: ::baps self::  
PrincessRuby2001: ?  
Janus Thinker: The country in southwestern Asia that   
Russia's been pounding the hell out of for eight years...  
PrincessRuby2001: ?  
Janus Thinker: ::sighs::  
PrincessRuby2001: ?  
Janus Thinker: That's WHY they've been able to pound the   
hell out of a civilian population for eight years, I suppose...  
PrincessRuby2001: sorry if we aren't all as   
well-informed and updated on events as you are  
Janus Thinker: Yeeeeah..  
PrincessRuby2001: what, you think I'm dumb? Just   
because I didn't know about any of this?  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
Janus Thinker: Just disappointed.  
PrincessRuby2001: then why all the snarky   
comments?  
Janus Thinker: Snarky?  
PrincessRuby2001: why "disappointed"? Just because   
I don't know about that kind of stuff?  
Janus Thinker: That the average person or above doesn't,   
yeah.  
PrincessRuby2001: what!?  
Janus Thinker: I think that one of our close allies   
slaughtering civilians by the thousands is sort of important in   
world affairs, so I think everyone should know 'bout it...  
PrincessRuby2001: oh, well, then let's all bow down   
to Jared, king of current affairs  
Janus Thinker: Mmmk...  
Janus Thinker: Why are you pissed at me?  
PrincessRuby2001: WHAT!!??  
PrincessRuby2001: because you basically insinuated   
that I'm DUMB!!!  
Janus Thinker: ;;sighs::  
PrincessRuby2001: WHAT?  
Janus Thinker: I didn't say that, and specifically said that I   
didn't say that when you asked me to clarify.  
Janus Thinker: So why are you still pissed about   
something i didn't say?  
PrincessRuby2001: you INSINUATED it  
Janus Thinker: No...you read it into what I was saying...  
PrincessRuby2001: well, for me to read into it, there   
had to have been something there!!!  
Janus Thinker: ::wanting to bash my head against a wall::  
PrincessRuby2001: good  
Janus Thinker: Geezey creezey.  
Janus Thinker: I didn't say anything, so you're pissed at   
me.   
PrincessRuby2001: you insinuated  
Janus Thinker: I point out that I didn't say anything, and   
you say that I must've, since I you got pissed.  
PrincessRuby2001: you insinuated  
Janus Thinker: Claire, the whole meaning of the phrase   
"read into it" is that THERE WASN'T ANYTHING THERE.  
PrincessRuby2001: you insinuated  
Janus Thinker: I don't think you're dumb, and I didn't say   
that you were, and I didn't even imply that you were. RELAX!  
PrincessRuby2001: I'm not the one using all capitals,   
I'm plenty relaxed  
Janus Thinker: ::whacking head again::  
PrincessRuby2001: good  
Janus Thinker: Relaxed, and yet wishing me bodily   
harm..::sighs::  
PrincessRuby2001: I wish everyone bodily harm  
Janus Thinker: ::sighs again::  
PrincessRuby2001: you Malfoy you  
Janus Thinker: Whahuh?  
PrincessRuby2001: you're a Death Eater  
Janus Thinker: ?????  
PrincessRuby2001: you Amazing Bouncing Ferret you  
Janus Thinker: ::gives up and flops::  
PrincessRuby2001: MUDBLOOD!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: ::sleeps::  
PrincessRuby2001: squib!  
Janus Thinker: I wonder how much effort it would take to   
budgeon myself to death...  
PrincessRuby2001: I think you meant bludgeon?  
Janus Thinker: Indeed.  
PrincessRuby2001: hehehehehehehehe  
PrincessRuby2001: you're a house-elf  
Janus Thinker: Uh...huh...  
PrincessRuby2001: MUGGLE-LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: I should inform Lauren that she's a muggle.  
PrincessRuby2001: she might be, it's too early to tell  
Janus Thinker: mmmk...  
PrincessRuby2001: has she shown any signs?  
Janus Thinker: Couldn't tell ya, not knowing what a muggle   
is...  
Janus Thinker: You should be aware that there are three   
condoms on my ceiling, though.  
PrincessRuby2001: You're not supposed to know  
PrincessRuby2001: that doesn't make you less of a   
muggle  
Janus Thinker: Mmmmk.  
PrincessRuby2001: unless you're a squib  
Janus Thinker: I'm gonna salt you.  
PrincessRuby2001: in which case, there's a   
Kwik-Spell course you can sign up for  
PrincessRuby2001: OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!! Tricia's   
covered in silver blood!!!!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: Ha!  
PrincessRuby2001: I already have my RDA of msg,   
thanks  
Janus Thinker: Not salty enuf, though.  
PrincessRuby2001: *apparates to Diagon Alley for   
some salt for Jared and a butterbeer from the Three   
Broomsticks*  
Janus Thinker: Pooey.  
PrincessRuby2001: why do you say that?  
Janus Thinker: Just do.  
PrincessRuby2001: would you like some pepper-up   
potion?  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
PrincessRuby2001: It'll make you feel better  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
PrincessRuby2001: Would you like a Chocolate frog?  
Janus Thinker: I'm good.  
PrincessRuby2001: you might get Agrippa!!!  
Janus Thinker: ::goes thud::  
PrincessRuby2001: or Nicolas Flamel!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: ::kills self using a sewing needle, a glue gun,   
a butter knife, and a fish skeleton::  
PrincessRuby2001: will you be haunting the common   
rooms, now?  
Janus Thinker: S'pose.  
PrincessRuby2001: will you be haunting the   
dungeons?  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
PrincessRuby2001: or the Great Hall?  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
Janus Thinker: Lauren's house. I shall comfort and protect   
her.  
PrincessRuby2001: well, then, have you spoken to the   
Bloody Baron?  
PrincessRuby2001: she won't be able to see you if   
she's a Muggle  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
PrincessRuby2001: Well, then, it's not much fun being   
a ghost now is it?  
Janus Thinker: Nope.  
Janus Thinker: If you kill Lauren, tho, I will be most   
displeased.  
PrincessRuby2001: I won't kill her, I'm not a Tom   
Riddle  
Janus Thinker: Whozat?  
PrincessRuby2001: Lord Voldemort, of course  
PrincessRuby2001: ?  
Janus Thinker: Crazy.  
PrincessRuby2001: I am not, you Muggle you!!!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: What the hell is a muggle?  
PrincessRuby2001: well, you're one, so I think you'd   
know  
Janus Thinker: ::bap::  
PrincessRuby2001: oooh, nice comeback, Muggle  
Janus Thinker: ::bap, whap, slap, bap, whap, nap::  
PrincessRuby2001: too bad I apparated to the other   
side of the room before all of that  
Janus Thinker: I got my nap in, tho.  
PrincessRuby2001: good, you Muggles need to keep   
up your strength  
Janus Thinker: Damn. There just isn't enough quality free   
porn available.  
PrincessRuby2001: You could try the Prefect's   
bathroom  
Janus Thinker: Whassat?  
PrincessRuby2001: oh, I forgot, you're a Muggle, you   
wouldn't know...  
Janus Thinker: ::baps ya::  
PrincessRuby2001: apparated out of the way  
Janus Thinker: ::punches ya::  
PrincessRuby2001: AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: Joodira uumrathuma!  
PrincessRuby2001: sorry, you're dead now, no smart   
comebacks for you!  
Janus Thinker: Umrathuma!  
PrincessRuby2001: doesn't work, you're dead!!!!  
Janus Thinker: ::violently baps you::  
PrincessRuby2001: Unless...could it be? It's the boy   
who lived!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: Yep.  
PrincessRuby2001: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!   
I'm destroyed!!!!! I must find a turban!!!!  
Janus Thinker: Alllrighty.  
PrincessRuby2001: Shoo!!!! Go to your cupboard   
under the stairs!!!!!!  
Janus Thinker: I'm busy shopping for handcuffs.  
PrincessRuby2001: Why not just use the full body   
bind?  
Janus Thinker: Want to get that, too, but handcuffs have   
their uses.  
PrincessRuby2001: okay, I'm tired now, I must   
apparate to my bed now  
Janus Thinker: Have fun.  
PrincessRuby2001: Yup...  
  
  
  
  
Percy closed the book, a smile crossing his otherwise solemn face. He supposed the boy had it coming to him. It was never in proper taste to insult a lady's intelligence, especially when you couldn't spell bludgeon. Closing the book with a satisfied sigh, Percy turned and began to climb the stairs to the guest quarters where he was to spend the night. He'd deal with his family in the morning; after all, they couldn't be worse than this guy.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
End  



End file.
